There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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