Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
