capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
