You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
