Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
