It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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