The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
God I need to hump something, right now.
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