What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
