Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
