yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Randomize
