I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
