too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
