Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
