I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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