my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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