My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
