I met the friendliest cop last night
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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