Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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