3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize