Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
