apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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