The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
