He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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