I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
