You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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