Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
