I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
