He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize