dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
