Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize