I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize