Please, let me fuck your mom
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
