Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
