remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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