i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
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