happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
