Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
