Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
