do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
