If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
