I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
