i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Randomize
