fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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