you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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