good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
