Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
