As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
