I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
