my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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