Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
