Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i would punch a child for taco bell
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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