you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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