Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
