Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
