i jhust puked up my retainher.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
my liver is dry heaving
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize