Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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